summer.

i'm loving the summer! i love parties and writing and being with people i love! i even love job hunting! i'm feeling good. waiting for my reel to be done so i can mail it to some people so i can maybe start working with them. which would be AWESOME!

yeah that's it.

i'm back!

 i've been back for a couple days now, and i'm just getting settled. i had a visitor for a couple days too. i still need to unpack, but... one day at a time. 

the most exciting things in my life:

- amelia's dad edited our reel scene and she kept raving about how good it looks and how all the takes (or "dailies" if you're annoying and in the business) looked awesome. and clark only had to roll 2 takes from each angle because all the takes were amazing and yadda yadda. so i guess i have a great scene for my reel and for...

... the other really cool thing in my life: the screenplay. i want to create little media type packets when i'm done with the script, so this would be an awesome thing to include. the script is coming along. i've given myself this month to finish it. i don't have a ton of other obligations so it should be fun. i'm gonna have to move and find work and other awful grown up things soon. right now, i'm enjoying my freedom, my listlessness, and my writing. 

p.s. i maybe met a boy. don't worry, dad, that is all i will say about that.

x

i get back to LA on monday.

it's official. i don't live in nyc anymore. i just re-read that sentence, and i had typed 'like' instead of 'live'. freud has a theory about that...

hooray for graduation! hooray for screenwriting! hooray for house hunting! for dogs! for celebrations! for SAG points! for really good friends! for knowing when to cut ties! for knowing when to keep 'em! for diet coke! for finally feeling like i'm making moves and becoming the person i thought i would be. and for boys who like girls! 

working hard.

not much to say other than i'm working hard. i'm just trying to write and work out and look for a job and a new, cheaper place. i'm going to look at this time as a vacation instead of the end of the world. i won't start panicking until the end of the summer... if i have nothing on the ball. oh man. i hope i have something on the ball. i can use this time. i can use it however i want, and right now i'm choosing to write, work out, and look for work. hmm choice is awesome. i love making choices. and not making choices. i love most things.

in other news of things i love: i'm flying out to nyc tonight! julie is driving me to the airport because she's awesome. i fly all night and then i arrive tomorrow morning. i'm so excited! i feel like i'm coming back after being gone for summer, you know? i hope i can walk away again. graduation feels exciting already and i'm still over here. i can't wait to see the city again. 

i have so many goals, and usually i beat myself up for planning instead of doing but i'm feeling like i'm doing instead of planning lately (like within the last week) and it feels natural, effortless. i better check in my flight, work out, and write some more. see you tomorrow! love you!

budgeting for the future.

certain prospects are so cool but also very frightening, and i have this theory: whenever i stop living in the now, i feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. 

for instance, i was just working on my script, and i thought 'hmm i wonder what the budget was for the movie 'superbad' since my script is a bit like it.' then i looked it up and the budget was $20 million!!! i am still shocked. i thought that was a tiny movie that had big success. NO it's a big movie that had big success. i'm telling you, man, apatow productions owns us. everything judd touches turns to comedy gold. then i started to feel like i can never raise $20 million (because, duh) but also why even bother writing a script that will never be able to be made because who has $20 million to gamble on a script other than judd apatow himself and who am i to him?!? 

this is how things are stopped. i don't need to focus on the budget. i need to focus on finishing the script so that i stop talking about finishing it and actually start getting opinions. SO SCARY. once i stop living in the future and focus on the now, i can actually have control over what is happening and make moves. which is a lot scarier than just being scared and paralyzed. hmm i've been writing all day and i hate the script. i'm back to square one of thinking that i have nothing and no one will ever like it. but i have to keep pushing on. keep on keepin' on. nothing gets done in the future. everything gets done in the now. i can't worry about someone not liking something that i haven't even done yet. it's such a waste of time. 

i'll let you know how the script turns out. i'm not going to talk about it again until it's done and ready for stage 2: edits. 

i'm such a bum

someone give me a job

nyc in 4 days

errands to do to do to do but nothing fun

someone give me a job

shooting.

yesterday was one of my most favorite experiences. i had such a good time. we turned amelia's family's house into a set and shot 8 scenes, 22 pages. it was called an "impossible" day, never been done, but we did it! and the bits and pieces that i was watching on rob's computer looked awesome. so not only did we do it, but we made it look good. it was such an amazing feeling to be on camera and working with clark and seeing the guys work the camera and lights and sound. god i love this stuff. i wish it was a little less scary sometimes, but then i think that maybe that's what gives it the edge it has... i'm not sure. all i really know is that if i could walk onto a set everyday for the next 10 years and do something i would be overjoyed. that's all i think i need to know.

julie and i shot a scene that i wrote from a screenplay that i'm working on. it's funny because that film might come into actualization now. we will see. i was talking to my sister about the project and i was talking about 'good dick' and she was like 'see you can do that.' maybe we can...? i mean clark did say, 'get me the script.' and my dad and sister did say they want to get into producing. hmmm now i need to write write write my little head off. of course now i have nothing to say and i don't know where the girls are going or who they are going to be interacting with when they get there, but it will come. i trust. i have faith.

anyway the reel scene looks great. a little darker than i thought, but i will still send the footage out to see if anyone wants to work with me. i might be making moves on my own, but i'm also still hoping for other things to start happening. i can't wait to come to nyc. i was watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' this morning because i'm a bum and khloe was in nyc. i got excited that i'm flying in on sunday! then it's off to orlando for a break with my best friend. life is good. 

freedom doesn't feel free.

i wanna be busy. i want to be working. gahhh i'm getting ahead of myself. again. gahhh whatcanyoudo?

today marks the 3rd day without anything scheduled going on, and i feel like i'm missing out. tomorrow (thank god) we are shooting our reel scenes all day, so i'll feel important and part of the group and active and appreciated and hopefully have a great time! clark gregg is our director which is beyond awesome. i can't really think about what that actually means. it's a bit like mamet being our director. gahhh amazing. i surely wouldn't be doing this in nyc. it was such the right thing for me to move out here. he was talking the other day about really doing our homework on the scenes and bringing it because so often these seemingly random things bring work. then the other day, we went to get a couple of drinks and jeff was talking about how clark is getting offered scripts and projects to direct left and right. man, i wonder if he was telling us to bring it because he was thinking that he can use us in the future..? that would be swell. i need a job and a sag card.

so after the reel is shot, i'm going to send my tape to the manager who is interested in me. hopefully then i'll get signed. i still haven't heard from the agent who talked to me after the showcase, so my friend suggested i give him a week then follow up. people are very flaky in this town. plus what have i got to lose? they told us most of the calls come in between now and the next week, so i'm trying to wait and not go bonkers but i wish things were happening! i want to work!  i want to pursue things! i want to have a good time! to occupy my time, i've been going to the gym. it's a very strange place here in hollywood. lots of girls with lots of issues. i try to just listen to lady gaga and block out the rest of it. just try to get my run on without a massive mindfuck. scott zigler told us that acting certain parts well might "cost you parts of yourself you never thought you'd spend." i'm beginning to feel that way more about persevering through the business. waiting and feeling evaluated and coming up short or being passed by is costing me parts of myself i never thought i'd spend. the acting is the fun part.

that's about it. i'm headed off to nyc on the 10th to graduate. i'm so ahead of myself! i need to graduate still. give myself a break. geez. then i'm spending a couple days with my sister in florida. that should be very fun. then ??? who knows. i guess days spent at the gym with the other LA actresses waiting for the phone to ring.

the waiting is the hardest part. // tom petty.