freedom doesn't feel free.

i wanna be busy. i want to be working. gahhh i'm getting ahead of myself. again. gahhh whatcanyoudo?

today marks the 3rd day without anything scheduled going on, and i feel like i'm missing out. tomorrow (thank god) we are shooting our reel scenes all day, so i'll feel important and part of the group and active and appreciated and hopefully have a great time! clark gregg is our director which is beyond awesome. i can't really think about what that actually means. it's a bit like mamet being our director. gahhh amazing. i surely wouldn't be doing this in nyc. it was such the right thing for me to move out here. he was talking the other day about really doing our homework on the scenes and bringing it because so often these seemingly random things bring work. then the other day, we went to get a couple of drinks and jeff was talking about how clark is getting offered scripts and projects to direct left and right. man, i wonder if he was telling us to bring it because he was thinking that he can use us in the future..? that would be swell. i need a job and a sag card.

so after the reel is shot, i'm going to send my tape to the manager who is interested in me. hopefully then i'll get signed. i still haven't heard from the agent who talked to me after the showcase, so my friend suggested i give him a week then follow up. people are very flaky in this town. plus what have i got to lose? they told us most of the calls come in between now and the next week, so i'm trying to wait and not go bonkers but i wish things were happening! i want to work!  i want to pursue things! i want to have a good time! to occupy my time, i've been going to the gym. it's a very strange place here in hollywood. lots of girls with lots of issues. i try to just listen to lady gaga and block out the rest of it. just try to get my run on without a massive mindfuck. scott zigler told us that acting certain parts well might "cost you parts of yourself you never thought you'd spend." i'm beginning to feel that way more about persevering through the business. waiting and feeling evaluated and coming up short or being passed by is costing me parts of myself i never thought i'd spend. the acting is the fun part.

that's about it. i'm headed off to nyc on the 10th to graduate. i'm so ahead of myself! i need to graduate still. give myself a break. geez. then i'm spending a couple days with my sister in florida. that should be very fun. then ??? who knows. i guess days spent at the gym with the other LA actresses waiting for the phone to ring.