beat. not defeat.

i'm totally beat because of the day i've had. i will briefly update now, and more will come tomorrow when i'm well rested and clear headed. 

had classes this morning/afternoon. as usual, my weds classes were my favorites. i'm in my 'no' cycle with ricardo so i wasn't feeling him today and he could not keep his hands off me. he even found an excuse to continue touching me after class. i know, we're dating. then jeanie was a star, and her class was awesome. i hope she calls me in to read for something soon. hope hope hopes.

then, the real highlight came: the new adventures of old christine taping! it was so, so fun! it was so amazing to see the actors perform the scenes live and adjust to changes in the script and the jokes instantly. clark was excellent. he told us not to mention to the comic that we are his students, but we were still mischievous so lila told the comic that we are part of the clark gregg fan club. then he decided that i was the president of the club and called me down to harass me. i felt awkward, but i guess i came across great. after the show was done, this guy came over to me, handed me his card, and said he's a director and he has a project in april that he thinks i'd be great in so i need to get in touch with him. oh, this town...

it's funny because as i was checking in to the warner bros studio, the security guard told me, 'you're definitely getting the job, honey. i've seen the other girls coming in for the role, and you're getting it. i'm usually right about it, too. have a good one.' i didn't have the heart to tell her that i had no idea what she was talking about, so i just smiled and said thank you while on my way. i guess i (maybe) got the job after all. 

***a BIG good luck to my sister who has just moved south! enjoy orlando, baby, and i'll see you in may!! ***

re-group.

today marks the first day in a while where i didn't have a rehearsal or class or any other obligation. i didn't see anyone from the program today either. it was nice and peaceful. i also got a lot done, so i'm feeling tired but productive. i know i have a lot more to figure out and i have a ton of work left to do and i feel like i need to work harder somehow... blah blah blah. i'm also in the process of convincing katie to move out here. i think she'd love it, and i'd love to have her. my lease is up in june... her lease is up in june... i'll stop now. 

more for me than you -

what i did today:

- applied for all those jobs 

- got my 24 hour fitness membership under control

- used the free car wash coupon from my building (my car smells amazing! they cleaned the inside!)

- got groceries

- learned lines/analyzed my upcoming scenes

- caught up on phone calls/emails

still need to do:

- find a job

- find a multi-person comedic scene for 3rd round film

- learn clark scene (email shawn and see who is who)

- meet up with vera re: last year's showcase

- pick postcard image for the showcase

- pick a title for the postcard

i'm in a good place. i just want to get pinkberry and be on a sitcommmm. back to the grind! love you!

i want the world.

i want a dog. i want to be able to pay my rent, phone bill, utilities, car payments, gas, food, clothes, and going out without any stress or second thoughts. i want to own an apartment in LA and NYC. i want a job to spend the day with and a nice boy to come home to. i want to be a working actor. i want to teach guest acting classes in LA and NYC. i want friends in the all the right (and wrong) places. i want one pair of really expensive shoes. i want to travel more. mostly, i just want a dog. or a fat man-cat.

just putting it out there. not too much else to report. did a breakdown scene today. went okay. am strangely exhausted so i'm gonna go to bed! good night!

opps opps opps.

things in LA seem to fly by really fast and offers seem to be pouring in. i can't tell if it's due to insincerity or possibilities. i'm going with the former. or is it the latter? whatevs - i'm going with possibilities. 

current audition opportunities that seem to have been handed to the kids in my program:

-randy sklar (www.imdb.com/name/nm0804460) came and taught us a guest class a couple weeks ago. a couple of us went to see him and his twin brother do standup, and after the show they were telling us that they have a couple things coming up that they are casting and so they will get the info to maggie and call us in. just like that.

-lee cohn is our comedy teacher (sound familiar? he wrote the book on PA. literally. he wrote practical handbook!) and he told us to give in our headshots because he's casting a bunch of stuff including a pilot in the upcoming months. he wants to use us. just like that.

i couldn't get into the room in nyc, but here i am, week 4 (!!!) and there are audition opportunities left and right. it could be that these are just obligatory offers, and i shouldn't think anything of them. they are insincere, small talk. but it doesn't feel that way at all. it feels like real offers. anyway, i'm still sort of spinning by how i could not sweet talk my way into one little law and order audition without representation or the union, but here are a couple of audition offers without even doing anything. networking? is that cynical? and i'm in NO way thinking that i'm gonna land these gigs and become famous, but i'm just excited that i can actually get in the room. i didn't know how to do that in nyc. i'll worry about landing work and representation as the auditions start coming. the first step is the smallest but hardest. the first step to becoming a working LA actress instead of just another LA actress is to get in the room. is this the sound of the door actually opening? i don't know, but i'm definitely gonna learn my lines and have a ball. who knows how long any of it will last?!?

xoxoxxoxo,

m

gone, baby, gone.

today was a good acting day, strange life day. 

the good acting:

- good time in jiujitsu

the strange life:

- was responding really strangely to almost all comments and/or thoughts

the good acting:

- had great feedback on the little in class acting exercise with CD mara casey

the strange life:

- felt like it still wasn't good enough

the good acting:

- did scene for titus welliver from the oscar nominated film 'gone baby gone' and he loved it so much he didn't have any feedback

the strange life:

- didn't think anything of it until just now as i'm writing this

the good acting:

- getting praised for my work today by members of the group

the strange life:

- not sure if it's bullshit, networking, sincere, or some sort of combination of them all

so yeah. i'm defs feeling like i'm on top of my acting game. at least, i feel like i'm doing good work and remarkably i've been getting great feedback to match my feelings. that doesn't always happen in drama school. esp in atlantic's acting school. i don't know. acting has been so fun fun fun and so effortless for me in this program. i feel so full of joy... somehow that is scary. it's like i want to work so badly that it's becoming more precious than ever before. i don't want to lose any sense of play... the thing is (and why i'm not actually stressed) the acting part is awesome and fun and effortless. it's the life part after and before acting that i get in my head and start over intellectualizing things. oh well. 

tomorrow is another day. i just felt left behind today.

hope all is good with you! sending good energy, m.

'the quickest way to get people to NOT like you? try to be likable.'

i love acting class with the actor/writer/director clark gregg. if you don't know him, imdb him. he's done a lot of stuff as an actor including ironman, the new adventures of old christine, and he's done a lot as a writer/director - what lies beneath, choke. he also is a really nice guy. and (surprisingly) not full of shit. 

clark tells it like it is. he also talks a lot about the paradoxes of acting and, in a way, living. how if you really try to make a scene work, it doesn't work. or if you really try to be liked, you're completely unlikable. it makes me think about the energy that we are putting out in the world. i went out last night with a whole bunch of actors - working and otherwise. it was amazing to see how the actors who are working are also the people who are attractive. not attractive in a superficial way, but in a magnetic way. like, the people who are working actors are also the people who draw everyone in. not a joke. it was a literal and direct correlation. i also managed to have a couple of awkward conversations with these people (read: guys), but nothing felt awkward. everyone was going with the flow and letting everyone be okay. it's like they have engaged in relinquishing control in all aspects of life - not just acting. it's like everyday these people say, 'okay, i don't know what's gonna happen next. and that's great.' then they are on their merry little way. there were too many pay-may-stay words in those sentences, but you get the point.

i think we all have our own ideas of how everything should play out in life, from a conversation to an audition to a date to a drive to the corner store. it's much more energizing and exciting to ditch those plans and go with it. to stand wherever you're starting from and go from there. no need to try for anything, but rather work hard and see where i end up. simply say hello to the unknown and play it by ear. every moment can be bad or good but it will not be planned. and that's great.

dad, it was not raining in LA today. . . at least at the times when i left my glorious apartment. i love you!

good dick.

i mostly just want to be an actor like jason ritter. check out the trailer for the movie his girlfriend, marianna palka, wrote and directed:

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2742812697/

i'm VERY interested in watching this movie. off to hike, learn lines, and then city sip. happy sunday!

driving in LA.

okay, i'm an oregonian driver (and i've still got the plates to prove it!), so my only basis for comparison is oregon, but LA drivers suck. big time. in order to survive the drive, i've developed a few simple rules to blend in and avoid auto drama.

things to do when driving in LA:

1. speed up or slow down arbitrarily. especially if you've just cut in front of someone or if you're following closely.

2. don't use your turn signal. ever. no, seriously, don't even think about it.

3. drink a few beers. it's only gonna help in the long run.

4. stick with your GPS. but change the settings so the bitch doesn't take you on 14 freeways to travel 10 blocks.

5. honk honk honk.

6. if there is any room in front of the car in the lane next you, weave in between traffic. you will get there faster that way.

7. green means go, yellow means go faster, red means go fastest.

8. don't even try to turn left at an intersection when the light is green. wait for the yellow. or better yet - the red.

9. don't talk on your phone (you could get a traffic violation) but feel free to text, eat, drink, play with your radio, iPod, iPhone, blackberry, masturbate, you know - whatever comes to mind that isn't talking on the phone. unless you have a hands free, then by all means.

10. if weather is stormy, increase your regular speed by about 5-10 miles. it's raining! don't you want to get home faster?!?

i know, these rules may seem... kinda bad. but you don't want to look like a tourist do you? neither do i. oh shit, i better get back to the road. maybe i can write more at the next stop light.

xoxoxoxxoxo, m.

too much in 'n out.

LA, i'm learning, is not exactly an eating culture. maybe i should have already realized this, but it goes beyond a few bulimarexic chicks and weirdos. like, the normals aren't really big eaters either.

i have started going for hours and hours without food, and i won't notice until i'm starving. the problem is that i'm a scatter brain, and without the non-verbal cues from other people, i can barely keep my car on the right side of the road. basically, i never see other people eating to remind myself to chomp down. and i live alone so i starve. two nights ago, i actually ate half a can of corn from the dollar tree for dinner. then i ate the other half for breakfast today. seriously. this could help my fledgling career, though, so i don't think this is a complaint. more of an observation. hollywood loves anorexic chicks and meat heads. just watch... any show on TV.

today i had a couple of rehearsals and then hiked up to the griffith observatory in los feliz. it is beautiful up there! my jiujitsu teacher (i could only blog about him, i promise) said that he tends to feel cut off from nature here in LA, but i wanted to ask him if he's spent any time in new york? yowza. here i actually see trees and animals and can drive for 5 minutes and get to griffith park or runyon canyon. it's perfect. i'm also learning that not only is LA a non-eating culture, but it's an exercise obsessed culture. there were hordes of people hiking today and running (!) up the hills. the image of runners and USC kids filming the landscape while talking loudly on his iPhone to the producers juxtaposed against the HOLLYWOOD sign gave me a strange sense of joy. i think the other actress i was with almost gave that kid her headshot and rez... almost. 

after that hike and rehearsals, i was starving so i did what any LA-er would do: i got in my car and drove through the in 'n out drive thru. hey, if i'm not eating regularly i might as well stuff my face, animal style. 

hey girl(ie) hey.

***WARNING: this post is almost entirely about my jiujitsu teacher. if you hate reading stories written by a squealing girl obsessing over the hot guy who will probs never actually look her way, then skip this post. you have been warned.***

okay, not to be a creep, but i'm slightly obsessed with my jiujitsu teacher. he will henceforth be referred to as... okay i was gonna say: 'the brazilian' because he's from brazil but that is too weird so i will just call him 'ricardo' because that is his name. this class is awesome. first of all, the whole 2 hours is purely physical. it's a partner wrestling like sport, and ricardo teaches us all of the official training moves of brazilian jiujitsu. i think it is such a crowd pleaser because we weren't expecting this at all and ricardo is so hot/pleasant and it's somehow very relaxing. there is a casual vibe as we all fight. it's kind of bizarre. okay enough of that. listen in to the transactions i had with ricardo this morning and TRY to deny we have tension. yeah.

sexual ricardo encounter #1: (by far the most important. ever.)

i walk in to the gym and see 2 actors from the show brothers and sisters training. 

ricardo walks in and goes to say hi to toby, the other trainer at the gym.

i say, 'i thought you were gonna get in on their fight just now.'

ricardo (note: picture all of his dialogue spoken with a sexy brazilian accent): 'no, just saying hi this morning.'

me: 'are there gang fights in jiujitsu?' (i'm baaaad.)

ricardo: 'oh yeah, anything is possible.'

me: 'so why not go and fight?'

ricardo: 'i don't fight, i make love.'

me: 'ahfiewigberjngpaerdfkmnvdflkmnvap um yeah me too.' high five. I HIGH FIVED HIM. I PANICKED. HE SAID WHILE STARTING RIGHT AT ME 'I DON'T FIGHT, I MAKE LOVE.' he must be toying with my emotions. and needs. and desires. 

ricardo just smiles. and i promptly change the subject to how people score points in tournaments and blah blah who cares he said 'make love' while staring at me. not be a 12 year old girl, but i almost fainted. he is so fiiiine.

sexual ricardo encounter #2:

this morning was sparring intensive. ricardo had us partner up and just riff with the moves we have learned so far. my partner was nick and at one point nick challenged ricardo to spar against him. i was standing by watching and joking about how ricardo was killing nick - no big deal. then they shake hands, and ricardo looks at me, and indicates for me to take him on next. i diiiieee. we start sparring and we're laughing and he's so fine and then our faces are faaaaar too close in the middle of class in the middle of this gym and we freeze then i make some diffusive comment about where i put my arms and we move on. kill meeeee. we end our little thing, and as i'm walking away, he reaches out to sneak attack me from behind. ohmygod so i get out of it and then attack him and we're giggling (yes, even him) and then he pulls me in for a hug. okaaaay where i come from, we have sexual tension big time. 

final sexual ricardo encounter:

class is ending and we are changing. i may or may not position myself very close to ricardo and lila continues asking him questions about hiking or whatever. i'm still involved in the conversation with them and he looks at me and mentions his EX-girlfriend. i make a joke about that and open the door for him to talk about a current flame but nothing about a current babe. i mean, i've gotten a single vibe from him from day 1, but still he confirmed it today. 

anyway, even if he isn't hot for me (but c'mon - all evidence points to yes) i think i found a really great guy to hang out with after this program. he's slightly older than me, but we have good energy together and we laugh and vibe off each other in a fun way. i thought i could be imagining these things but even a guy in my group brought up how we are flirtatious. WE. how WE are flirtatious. i know, if a guy notices, it's obvs. so that's all i really have to say...

oh, i guess i'll talk general about the program for all the people who don't want to read about that hot sweaty brazilian. we talked about our showcase today. i was elected/selected to be the head of the advertising group, so i will be emailing the industry people and getting the word out. i hope i do a good job! i think i can. i also have started focusing on my overall fitness since i can't seem to find part time work and i have a little extra time on my hands. the program is surprisingly time consuming (i mean, it's studio, i should have known...) but i have a little flexibility in my schedule. hopefully i can get my butt in shape and land a hot man by april... nyc kids, see you in may! la kids, see you tomorrow!

xoxooxoxxoxoxo stay warm, m.

going live. take 2.

last time it wouldn't update my video blog. here is my second shot at uploading...

okay, it is refusing to upload my video AGAIN. frustrated. in my forehead. yeah.

things here are going really, really well. i will try to figure out the whole video thing and get back to you all. this update will be short because i need to get to bed. i have jiujitsu in the morning...

xoxoxoxoxox

the sun is back.

okay, so i've missed a few days of blogging. i've been busy! life here seems to (somehow) move faster than in nyc. hmmm i think it's just my perception of how busy i am or something. clark gregg (AMAZING GUY) was talking about how resistance and fear can make him push things off and then he feels more rushed in the end. i think that maybe what is happening over here for me and the other members of my group. we are hitting resistance so we put things off and then feel rushed...? although i really do feel slammed. maybe being in pais all of last weekend put me legitimately behind and i'm trying to play catch up? it doesn't really matter, i guess. a lot has been happening though! i'll use bullet points to try to get through everything and not miss anything. i know you want to know all...

the program:

the atc la program is really, really awesome so far. week 2 is done, and i think all members of my group are on the same page with me. or at least the ones i like and talk to ;) seriously, though, i have been having a great time. there is an optimistic layer over things in la, and maybe i'll discover as i dig deeper than people here are actually not happy... bahhh i'm getting ahead of myself. we met randy sklar (of the sklar bros - they do stand up and some tv/film too), and he was awesome. a very funny, down to earth guy who offered good insight into the comedy world here in la and how we should make personal choices in auditions that mine out the comedy in a scene. i liked that. i am nervous before an audition, and i think having made a personal choice that plays to the comedy would help me out. i don't know. we also have been working with clark gregg (from 'the new adventures of old christine'), and he such a great teacher/director. our class yesterday was so on the $. he is interested in seeing people be really present and has an intense bullshit detector. he seemed to really assess where the actor was and then push them a little further. plus he said we can come to a taping (!), so i like him about 10009900098859350x more now. if poss. what else...? um jiujitsu is still the most fun i've had in my life. my teacher is still as hot as ever (seriously. i think he is even all of the guys' type), and so i think we are gonna go see him fight (!) in march. then i'm gonna marry him. obvs. yeah it's back to the intense grind of drama school, but i feel lighter somehow. maybe it's just the weather. it's hard to be angry when the sun is shining and anything feels possible.

job hunt:

i basically have started looking in the 'adult gigs' section of craigslist. enough said.

haha i'm kidding (sort of). not a lot is moving right now in la (or anywhere) with hiring, but i've been looking. i may have a couple leads on office work or PA work. the problem is i only really have tues, thurs, sat, sun to work and a lot of places are not that flexible. i will keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to anything. something good will come and along and it will feel right and be right. i've never met much opposition to finding good work - workers work.

personal:

mom, plug your ears. i may have met a boy! not just my jiujitsu teacher! la is bustling with a lot more straight possibilities than nyc. a lot of them already have girlfriends, but that's cool. i may or may not be seeing him tonight. . . oh man, i'm such a dork. it should be fun.

yeah, i better get to memorizing lines and doing more job research / agency research. if i can't find non-acting work, i should really just focus more on getting my acting work started! that's what i'm here for. hope all is well. xxx, m.