driving in LA.

okay, i'm an oregonian driver (and i've still got the plates to prove it!), so my only basis for comparison is oregon, but LA drivers suck. big time. in order to survive the drive, i've developed a few simple rules to blend in and avoid auto drama.

things to do when driving in LA:

1. speed up or slow down arbitrarily. especially if you've just cut in front of someone or if you're following closely.

2. don't use your turn signal. ever. no, seriously, don't even think about it.

3. drink a few beers. it's only gonna help in the long run.

4. stick with your GPS. but change the settings so the bitch doesn't take you on 14 freeways to travel 10 blocks.

5. honk honk honk.

6. if there is any room in front of the car in the lane next you, weave in between traffic. you will get there faster that way.

7. green means go, yellow means go faster, red means go fastest.

8. don't even try to turn left at an intersection when the light is green. wait for the yellow. or better yet - the red.

9. don't talk on your phone (you could get a traffic violation) but feel free to text, eat, drink, play with your radio, iPod, iPhone, blackberry, masturbate, you know - whatever comes to mind that isn't talking on the phone. unless you have a hands free, then by all means.

10. if weather is stormy, increase your regular speed by about 5-10 miles. it's raining! don't you want to get home faster?!?

i know, these rules may seem... kinda bad. but you don't want to look like a tourist do you? neither do i. oh shit, i better get back to the road. maybe i can write more at the next stop light.

xoxoxoxxoxo, m.