another day, another showcase.

last night was our 2nd and final showcase. i feel good about the overall work i did and that the others in my group did. i think we put up a strong show that we can feel proud of. even if the calls don't start rolling in, we're all getting to where we're going. i stand by what i said about a couple people not being showcased properly, but that is water under the bridge at this point. clark gregg will give those girls jobs anyway...

so i got a call from a manager yesterday who saw the show on tuesday, and an agent talked to me last night about bringing me in. nothing is for sure and who knows what will come of any of it, but so far this is where i'm at. i was telling julie that i was struggling with remembering names and she was like then write them down on this program and wrote down the name of the agent i talked to. then i was holding the program and jeff was like 'what's that?' and i was like 'oh it's so i don't forget who i talked to.' and he was like 'don buchwald?' and i was like 'yeah' and he was like 'did he talk to you?' and i was like 'yeah' and he was like 'wow that's awesome.' and he looked really impressed. i don't know why but i liked that moment a lot. it made me flutter a bit. it's like... someone saying something that they don't have to say always excites me a little. it's a moment of real. so... yeah. hopefully he'll call. and hopefully the manager will like my reel and then call me in and work with me. hopefully hopefully hope hope hope.  

okay so now i wait a bit. i'm feeling like i still have a lot going on because we have our reel day and other things happening then i'm off to nyc and orlando. i feel like i'm still "on". but i don't really want to be "off". normally i really crave downtime and i'm feeling like i could just go and go and go. better hit the gym then i'm going to a birthday party. a couple of my flirtations are there... i better dress up. xoxoxoxo 

oh

and also i looked around today, and i was unbelievably, inexplicably, deliriously happy. just an overwhelming amount of happiness flooded me. it was awesome.

showcase-ing.

tonight was great! i want to write while the thoughts are still fresh and the feelings are still feeling, but i am so tired. try to follow me...

okay so everything has been going great with tech and whatnot. not any issues and rod has been surprisingly pleasant with us. we also have more reservations than the past 2 years. no pressure. so i arrive at the theatre with hair and make up done, warm up with the cast, hang out, get into costume - feeling good, feeling squirrelly, feeling ready. the first scene goes - positive response. 2nd scene - pretty good, 3rd - also nice. so (i'm the 4th scene) i'm feeling excited to get on stage. julie looks at me and just says, 'kill it.' we start and they are dying. literally the house is laughing hysterically at everything. we were shocked. the final line is given and they start clapping and cheering - it was awesome. it was so awesome to feel like myself again. there is something about me in front of an audience... i light up. none of the other bullshit matters. 

we finish and i'm feeling good. lindsay (my scene partner) is also feeling good and we hug and silently squeal backstage and move on with the show. then the show is over and we're all gathered outside for the little reception. everyone was so nice about the show. most of the industry people do not stay, but a couple people were around and i got to talk to them. i got a lot of great compliments. i'm gonna write the really good ones here, but you can jump ahead. it's more for me to return to, than to talk myself up to others. okay, enough disclaimer:

- all the work was great, but your scene was the best.

- you were the audience favorite.

- you really popped.

- you didn't tell the end of the story at the beginning which is hard to do and crucial to selling the scene.

- you played all the levels of the play. i'm very familiar with the short play, and you were hitting the levels and twists for the audience.

- can i get your phone number and email address?

okay so the last one was leslie (paul's girlfriend) BUT she's totally an up and coming writer and i saw her last play and it was amazing. i guess she has a couple pilots and stuff too. she's awesome. and she likes me. and maybe wants to use me for something..? that would be nice. anyway i'm beat. i'm gonna eat strawberries and watch the real housewives of new york city. kthxbye. love you. hopefully i get a job from all this... and i do the whole thing again tomorrow. watch we zero laughs. haha oh life. 

tonight, tonight, won't be like any night...

tonight is the showcase! i'm feeling good... i'm DEFINITELY nervous, but i feel like i'm doing good work and i can't control it if "they" show up and want a petite brunette. as simple as that. 

ho hum. i'll let you know how it goes. we have tech all day then the show. we have a ton of reservations so i feel proud that i did a good job promoting the thing. now i need to go and bring it. i (and nick) got them into the seats, now i need to do my thing. 

in other news: i'm obsessed with lady gaga. i listen to her album on repeat. it's unhealthy.

lasts.

yesterday was the last day of classes and, let's be honest, i'm scared. i'm excited to be moving on, but i'm terrified that i won't be acting anymore. it's one thing to be in school - we have required work - but out in the biz there is no required work. there is no guarantee. 

anyway i've been thinking about a lot and that usually means i've been freaking out about a lot and i've given myself the day off. i don't have to think about any of it. i had a great conversation with amelia last night and she said a lot of things she didn't have to say and that i needed to hear. oh people. oh actors. we are a strange breed.

next week, it is the showcase. i'm just gonna trust myself and say the lines. no point in stressing over things out of my control. if i get a meeting or 2, fab. if not, i think they're still hiring at the GNC in burbank...

grateful.

i don't have much acting news. i'm in my last week of classes, and that's sad! i think i could do this program forever. and then i remember - oh yeah, i'm trying to do that. i'm trying to act forever. 

the real purpose of the post is to say a couple other things: it is important to be grateful. clark said something about entitlement being the death of humanity on our first day of class with him. i remember nodding, but now i'm realizing how true those words are. people who are not gracious are not my kind of people. i've been feeling very grateful lately. my phone is having a hard time, and my sister (who bought my phone for me originally) said she would replace it. just like that. i didn't ask. she just offered. i'm pretty damn lucky.

the other thing i wanted to say: fear is okay. i've been really scared of a couple things, but it's okay. i gotta try big to win big. sometimes when i try big i can fail big. shame, i know, but it's okay. i'm mostly afraid of things that are not in my control. i've been having this recurring fear that everyone will get meetings from the showcase and i will be the one person that doesn't get any meetings. that's the worst thing that can happen, and if it happens, i know i will survive. it won't kill me. it will suck big time, but it will be okay. 

hope all is good on both coasts. i come back to the city very soon. i hope i can leave it again. after all, i might have LA representation to get back to ; )

flicka.

yesterday we were taught by felicity huffman! it was awesome. man, all the master classes have been amazing. between her and mamet, i finally understand what the analysis was supposed to be and how it is supposed to be taught. i think some of the teachers get it wrong. i won't get into that, though.

words of wisdom from flix:

- figure out where the bits are and stage accordingly. don't forget about stagecraft.

- take focus where you need to take focus.

- to land the role, you need to be different than everyone else in the audition. how? bring yourself to it. bring your analysis to it. everyone else is asking the questions, saying the lines - play the action!

- the only time we see you is when you're focused on the other person.

- you only have about 20 good ideas and they circulate through your work. throw yourself into the unknown.

- the difficulty lies in the scene. it's your job to solve the problem. everyone else will pay allegiance to the scene.

- when you're in a rush, give yourself something to actually do. we spend so much time pretending, help yourself out. if you can make the suitcase heavy, if you can actually eat, do it! it's the added burden of making stuff up when you're already pretending.

- if you don't know what to do, do nothing. say the line flat.

- don't do the lines - everyone is gonna do the lines - use the action based on what you see.

- work it out before the audition.

- "i wanna see you."

- just because the character doesn't remember, doesn't mean you don't have to. 

- i want to see you make the decision. that doesn't mean you have to move, you just have to decide.

- even if your first moment is "wake up!" and you're wrong, she is awake, at least you have the next step in the dance.

- figure out the moment before - it'll bring you into the scene.

- always make your blocking about the other person, your action, and stagecraft.

- "everyone says the words are meaningless. i think that's bullshit. the words are your tools. they aren't bullshit. rather, they can mean anything."

- why are you looking out, etc? tie it back into your action.

- "okay he just threw something at you which was 'fuck off and die' so you have to use that."

- what do you want it to look like? then fill it up with the truth.

- "i'm glad it matters to you but you have to gain an ally [or whatever your action is]."

- 'i don't care what the line sounds like, you're telling him to stand up and be a man.'

- everyone is going to do the scene. do the action off the other person.

- "hey, how about it's all in?"

- it's so hard to actually care about something.

- allegiance to the scene will fucking sink you.

- work off the other person! don't do your ideas!

- why do you have to say 'it's hard to say this' like it's hard to say? it can mean anything. you can say it like 'you have the best smile'.

- all your movements must help your action.

i couldn't write fast enough. she was very inspiring. she talked about how she's lazy and took her forever to get her shit together to begin taking her career seriously. it's so amazing to hear an oscar-nominated actress say she's lazy and needs a kick in the ass sometimes to stay motivated. and hear her say she hates the unknown and it takes work for her to engage in it. she said she's coming to the showcase! how amazing. anyway, as always, just when i feel discouraged, i begin to feel encouraged. 

today has already been a productive day. i re-wrote my script and emailed it to clark gregg (!) and am anxiously awaiting his notes. we're shooting a piece of my screenplay for my reel on may 3rd directed by clark with all this professional crew etc. it's overwhelming and exciting. i was on the warner bros lot (!) on weds auditioning (mostly doing a general for you actor types) with a couple casting directors. i nailed (i'm gonna say 'nailed'...) this in class audition for a teacher who is also a writer and producer and collected our headshots to put us in things. now it's time to shop, hit the gym, and rehearse for my friend's 'walk the line' throughline where i'm playing june carter cash. i want this life.

not enough hours in the day.

i'm trying to do 25 hours of stuff in a 24 hour day.

blehhhh. hope all is well with you! 

(at least the weather is ballin'.)

assumptions.

hey all -

i'm exhausted, so i'll keep this brief. there are a couple of people in this program who make me confront some of my least favorite qualities in a person. you know the type? like something about them bothers me, but i try to ignore it, but then they continue to bug me. yeah i think most of those people fall into a couple categories for me - inflexible people, bitter people, quick to assume people, and entitled people. i really really really hate when a person speaks about another person with authority. like, for example, this douchebag in the program who was talking a bit about me today.  uchhhhhh first off, i think he's lame. secondly, he's completely uninspiring and makes me go on autopilot. thirdly, he's inflexible, bitter, quick to assume, and entitled. bleh bleh bleh. 

on the other hand, it's important to work with people who i don't like and rise above it. for every person who sucks, there is another one who is awesome. why is it that for all the awesome teachers etc i have, i focus on the bad one that i don't mesh well with? human nature? nah i'm over it. it helps that everyone else has bad run ins with him too. it makes me think maybe it's him and not me... 

did my film throughline today. felt really good about it. surprisingly, i got a lot of compliments on how i looked on film. it was a bit unsettling at first, but then i just let them wash over me and focused on the work. it was really quick, and i can never tell if maggie really likes me or if she hates me. it could really go either way. but i had a great time. everyone said the kiss was really hot... god, the parts i didn't think anything of were the crowd pleasers! yadda yadda it's all how a person is edited in the movie anyway. half the battle is looking good on film: check. hahaha i'm so not that girl. 

wrap up: this guy's a douche, i'll do my best work regardless, who knows if maggie likes me or hates me, and true blood is the sexiest show on TV. god, i wish i was on that show.

GOOD NIGHT! 

spotted:

anna paquin and stephen moyer (aka bill and sookie from HBO's true blood) attending a little children's theatre in santa monica, CA. true story. i wanted to run up to them and start rambling about how much i love the show, but i decided there is no cool way to do that so i just stared a little and pretended i didn't care. . . 

. . . which got me thinking about impulses. i was thinking about all the "silly" impulses that i contain on a daily basis that i think are inappropriate or wrong or. . . well, silly. think about it! i'll have the urge (or "impulse" if you're an actor who went to the atlantic at any point in your life) to do something like wear heels to the grocery store. why? i don't know. i guess the better question is: why not? i always talk myself out of that one really easily. or i'll want to tell someone i dig their TV show. yeah um forget about it. it's not like i would harass them, but a simple 'your show is my favorite' shouldn't be inappropriate. i mean, they're about to see something at the santa monica playhouse, they should expect a little enthusiasm. at least i wasn't going to hit them with jazz hands and a musical number about the dangers of using drugs. the long and short of it is this: i'm gonna explore my silly impulses this week. most people won't notice a difference, but this isn't for most people. whenever i have a feeling, i'm gonna do it. no thinking, no rationalizing, no talking out of it. no talking! no thinking! 

i hope i bump into the cast of 'true blood' again this week. this time, i'll tell them i can't wait for season 2. 

i want a scruffy dog.

i'm struggling. a little. i think. 

in the words of all 3 years at atlantic to describe us:

'you're going through something.' // gaby marcus.

so yeah i'm going through something. oh well. i'm back.

i'm gonna watch jason ritter and marianna palka in 'good dick'. can't wait. then maybe early(ish) to bed. i want to get a lot done tomorrow. like clean my apartment. oh man. had a good day... comedy was fun. then we got in the studio to work on our VO technique. i got pretty good feedback which is always nice. then clark said again how he likes my script when he didn't have to. that's always nice too... then what's with me? maybe i'm more afraid of success than... no i'm more afraid of failure than success. so maybe it's more like i'm scared of success more than blending in. i know in my heart and head that's not true, but sometimes i get all caught up in garbage and feel like i can't go on. i just feel like a lot of time i walk alone. i feel like at the end of the day i don't get chosen out of a line up. like i will have to work twice as hard for half as much... waaaah waaaah cry me a river. build a bridge.

hope all is well with you. i think i'm just having a little 'this isn't it' moment. i'll really experience it and move on. no point in staying away from this moment. this is it.

working girl.

today was my first day of work (!), and, of course, i kind of have a thing for the web master. oh man. i promised my dad i would cut down on the dishing, so i won't go into detail, but... he's really awesome. he started this massive virtual city that IBM wants to partner with him on. not to be boy crazy, but he's got something going on. i think i'll be seeing him every week, so i'll keep you (semi)posted. if you want more details, try facebook : ) the job is good. it's very much like my days at airshow. i think my days at airshow are over... i haven't sent the email pulling the plug yet, but i think it's only a matter of time. 

okay, so back onto the world of acting. i have a lot of ricardo stories (he asked me to be his nurse on weds..!), but i'll spare you (don't worry, dad). the most important thing you need to know is we have created an amazing reality dating show for ricardo that i think vh1 would be interested in picking up. it's called 'the fight for love'. that's copyrighted. thx. we are gonna shoot a couple webisodes this summer and put them up on youtube. we're hoping mamet will direct. or host. um yeah amazing. i'll post the links here for your viewing pleasure once the project is up and running. 

i'm becoming more and more set on the idea that i will be living in LA for a while. i don't know. i'm a very visual person and i usually can only get behind something if i can visually see myself only doing that thing. that is what brought me to LA - my vision. and now i'm only seeing myself living here for a while. it's strange. until i start seeing myself in another place, i think this is where i'll be hanging my hat. i'm very excited for my upcoming film projects. my throughline is 'true blood' and i'm playing june carter in one of my good friend's throughline, walk the line. i'm also really interested in life after the program, after school, after any sort of institution. i like the idea of being on my own... the practice i'm not excited about. i'm the last person on earth who knows how to do taxes or get insurance or whatever. but i think i'm mostly interested in making my own work. i wish the $$$ would take care of itself. oh to be young and creative... what are we gonna do? how are we gonna make it? wait, i won't bring you into this - how am i gonna make it? what am i gonna do?

good night! 

promotional stress.

hey all -

i wish i had more stories for you, but unfortunately i've mostly just been stressing over promoting the showcase. i can't figure out to make mailing labels on my new mac. i don't know which agents to invite. there are 8 million managers, so who should get a postcard? do big industry people actually read their mail? bahhh so many questions and thoughts. oh, and school has gotten way more intense because we're nearing the end. i wish i knew i had all this showcase work in the first week... anyway, this is it. i saw adventureland last night, and i thought it was really good. i don't think i think kristen stewart is a good actress. i think she only has two expressions and she doesn't breathe... i think. i'll have to see her in something else to fully judge. that's it. this is it.

xoxoxo

oh adventureland was in new york for like a street, and it made me miss it. for the first time since i've been out here, i missed the streets of new york. i'm coming home in may.